Now let me start off this posting by saying I think it is absolutely beyond incredible that a woman's body can produce another living, breathing, human being (with a little help from dad). Let me also precede my coming words by saying, I am extremely sensitive to the fact that a lot of people have a difficult time having a baby. This saddens me. We know too many people who have tried numerous ways, some with success and some with failures, to have a child and/or children. It is truly unfair. I wish all those people could have the fertility I have. I would pass it on to each and every one of them if I could.
Since I have been inspired to write so much lately on my blog, I felt compelled to write about this unruly experience I tortured myself with...not once, not twice, but 3 times. So here we go...
Pregnancy. Such a wonderful and glorious time. So much joy and anticipation. So much fear and anxiousness too. Wondering what each day is going to bring. Feeling this little thing growing inside of you. Bringing a new life into the world. This precious little baby to hold, hug, kiss and cuddle. A little being, that from the moment you hold them, your life is forever changed. A baby brings true meaning to the phrase "love at first sight."
Prior to having Paige, I only knew of women who thought pregnancy was wonderful and amazing. Women who LOVE being pregnant. So that is what I expected when I discovered I was pregnant with my first child in April of 2006. It took us 5 months to conceive and we were overjoyed. Yeah! I was about 6 weeks along when I found out and it is right about that time that any symptoms will start showing up. For most, this is when the morning sickness kicks in. The constant nausea and vomiting at any and all hours of the day. Living on soda crackers and 7up for the next 6 weeks. Oh joy. I was fortunate enough to have missed this extravaganza. However, I was exhausted beyond belief. How could anyone really be this tired? All the time. Physically drained, like I hadn't slept in days. Yet each night I got my full 8 hours. Prior to being pregnant, I was surfing 5 days a week thanks to my sporadic work schedule. I had received the A-OK from my doctor to continue surfing until it was uncomfortable to lay on my belly. I was so damn tired, I could barely move an arm to paddle the board. As the early weeks started passing, I was beginning to wonder what was to love about this pregnancy thing. I feel like shit and I wasn't even sick!
Onto the second trimester, which begins at 14 weeks. The exhaustion starts to fade away and my energy level begins to return as I am approaching 20 weeks (5 months). Great! Maybe I can get back in the water now. Nope. Now I have started to show a bit and my abdomen is rather tight. Laying my little bump down on a hard surfboard bouncing on the choppy ocean is not my idea of comfortable. Plus, what is my poor baby feeling in there? Not only that, now I am paranoid that some freak wipe-out is going to happen and I am going to get pummeled in the belly with a surfboard.
It has been almost 4 years since my first pregnancy and I have to admit, the 2nd trimester details are fading from memory. It was uneventful. I was annoyed a lot. But things really started to go awry as we moved into the 3rd trimester. By 27 weeks, I am getting big. The belly has definitely become fuller, rounder, harder. Sleep is a serious issue. See, I am a stomach sleeper, so you can see how this is a problem. Can't sleep on my back either, because that is like having a boulder resting on your mid-section. Spending my nights tossing, turning from side to side, shifting the obnoxious body pillow that I need to have between my legs to feel even remotely comfortable. What a joke. Oh and never mind the numerous times I had to wake up to pee in the middle of the night. I am constantly grouchy, cranky, bitchy, whiny, annoyed, tired and uncomfortable at all times. Who in their right mind finds this experience lovable?
36 weeks. This is technically the week that baby can come and all would be fine. At this point I was begging for labor to start. I felt I could endure any kind of pain I was in for because I knew it would be the end of this pregnancy. 39 weeks exactly, I started feeling funny during Christmas dinner. By 11pm that night, the contractions had started. When I arrived at the hospital the next evening, I had many drugs and an epidural...life was good. My pregnancy was coming to an end any time now. Paige arrived after 30 hours of labor. My precious baby girl. Wow!
They say all the pitfalls of pregnancy fade from your memory after you give birth...not for this chick. It was so disappointing to realize and come to terms with how much I actually hated the process of having a child. During the experience, I felt very alone. There was no comfort in other people, because I thought what I was feeling was odd...like I was the only one. It was wrong to be feeling this way, this was my baby inside of me. My own mother actually had doubts about what kind of mother I would be, because I literally hated being pregnant so much.
When Paige was 3 months old, I made a disturbing discovery. I was pregnant, again. I watched that little stick produce its purple plus sign in a matter of seconds. My heart sunk. I went into Paige's room, picked her up out of her crib, held her and sat on the floor and cried. When Doug arrived home, he thought someone had died because I was so distraught. I was barely over the fact that I hated being pregnant the first time. I was dealing with a newborn, no sleep, the failures of breastfeeding and adjusting to being a first time mom and now I have to go through this horrendous process again. This was seriously some kind of cruel joke.
My pregnancy with Jimmy was worse. I was taking care of a baby and I was pregnant. Therefore, grouchy, cranky, bitchy, whiny, annoyed, tired and uncomfortable at all times, returned times 10. And I carried differently with Jimmy, so by the 3rd trimester I had horrible back pain. Pretty much every muscle and joint from my ribcage down hurt. Yeah. Fortunately Jimmy arrived at 36-1/2 weeks and after only 6 hours of labor!! My precious baby boy. Wow!
Jimmy was 3 weeks old and all of my maternity clothes hit the donation bag. I AM NEVER DOING THIS AGAIN!! I have a boy and a girl. I am DONE! I will not torture myself with pregnancy again ever. Doug couldn't even look at me without some form of contraception in place.
In August of 2008, when Jimmy was 7 months old, I began feeling as if my family was not yet complete. I kept having these insane thoughts of wanting another child. What? Really? No, no, I can't go through that again. No way. But the feeling would not go away. Doug wanted another child, but left the final decision solely up to me because I had to be pregnant. It took me 6 months to ponder, "do I really want to go through another pregnancy?" "Do I really want to put myself through this again?" The desire for another child ended up out-weighing the annoying discomforts of pregnancy. How bad can it be? I have done this twice now, I am well prepared to deal.
In June of 2009, I found out I was about 5 weeks along with Alyssa. This pregnancy was the worst of them all! I actually had nausea this time. Mild, yet annoying. Now don't forget, during this pregnancy, I am also taking care of a 1 year old and a 2 year old. Therefore, grouchy, cranky, bitchy, whiny, annoyed, tired and uncomfortable at all times, returned times 100. By the 8th month, I was getting so big I could hardly walk anymore and had excruciating back pain. I had no control over my emotions. Literally. It was unreal. I didn't even know myself anymore. Crazy hormonal bitch. I am surprised my other 2 children survived the 8th and 9th month. I am also surprised my husband didn't leave me. I kept saying it was a good thing we didn't have a baseball bat in the house, because every window would have been broken. I was so angry, I just wanted to break things. The depression was unreal. Guess it was a good thing I had two other kids to take care of because most days I didn't want to get out of bed. I was so mental, that my doctor sent me to talk to the women's counselor more than once. My doctor actually asked me if "I had feelings of harming myself." I knew there was an end to this torturous experience, so the answer to that was obviously no. Anyone who told me, "oh you are almost there, just a couple more weeks", I wanted to punch them in the face. To top it all off, Alyssa felt very comfortable floating around in there and decided to overstay her welcome. At 40 weeks, there was no sign of her arrival. At 40 weeks and 2 days, I was begging my doctor to let me be induced. Begging and crying to be exact. She agreed and the pitocen drip started at 9:30 pm on 3/24/10. I had never felt more relaxed and...my sanity was returning. 5 hours later, Alyssa graced us with her presence. My precious baby girl. Wow! At 8lbs. 2oz. she was fully cooked.
My family is complete. I will never be pregnant again. My marriage, my family, myself, will not survive another pregnancy. Now, you do need to know that settled my mother's doubts. I absolutely love my children more than anything in the whole wide world. Was it worth 27 months of misery? You bet. I have 3 beautiful and amazing children. I love being a mother. It is like no other feeling I have ever had. Mere words are inadequate to describe what being a mom is like. You truly have to experience it to fully understand.
But the bottom line still remains...PREGNANCY F@*%ING SUCKS!
Since I have been inspired to write so much lately on my blog, I felt compelled to write about this unruly experience I tortured myself with...not once, not twice, but 3 times. So here we go...
Pregnancy. Such a wonderful and glorious time. So much joy and anticipation. So much fear and anxiousness too. Wondering what each day is going to bring. Feeling this little thing growing inside of you. Bringing a new life into the world. This precious little baby to hold, hug, kiss and cuddle. A little being, that from the moment you hold them, your life is forever changed. A baby brings true meaning to the phrase "love at first sight."
Prior to having Paige, I only knew of women who thought pregnancy was wonderful and amazing. Women who LOVE being pregnant. So that is what I expected when I discovered I was pregnant with my first child in April of 2006. It took us 5 months to conceive and we were overjoyed. Yeah! I was about 6 weeks along when I found out and it is right about that time that any symptoms will start showing up. For most, this is when the morning sickness kicks in. The constant nausea and vomiting at any and all hours of the day. Living on soda crackers and 7up for the next 6 weeks. Oh joy. I was fortunate enough to have missed this extravaganza. However, I was exhausted beyond belief. How could anyone really be this tired? All the time. Physically drained, like I hadn't slept in days. Yet each night I got my full 8 hours. Prior to being pregnant, I was surfing 5 days a week thanks to my sporadic work schedule. I had received the A-OK from my doctor to continue surfing until it was uncomfortable to lay on my belly. I was so damn tired, I could barely move an arm to paddle the board. As the early weeks started passing, I was beginning to wonder what was to love about this pregnancy thing. I feel like shit and I wasn't even sick!
Onto the second trimester, which begins at 14 weeks. The exhaustion starts to fade away and my energy level begins to return as I am approaching 20 weeks (5 months). Great! Maybe I can get back in the water now. Nope. Now I have started to show a bit and my abdomen is rather tight. Laying my little bump down on a hard surfboard bouncing on the choppy ocean is not my idea of comfortable. Plus, what is my poor baby feeling in there? Not only that, now I am paranoid that some freak wipe-out is going to happen and I am going to get pummeled in the belly with a surfboard.
It has been almost 4 years since my first pregnancy and I have to admit, the 2nd trimester details are fading from memory. It was uneventful. I was annoyed a lot. But things really started to go awry as we moved into the 3rd trimester. By 27 weeks, I am getting big. The belly has definitely become fuller, rounder, harder. Sleep is a serious issue. See, I am a stomach sleeper, so you can see how this is a problem. Can't sleep on my back either, because that is like having a boulder resting on your mid-section. Spending my nights tossing, turning from side to side, shifting the obnoxious body pillow that I need to have between my legs to feel even remotely comfortable. What a joke. Oh and never mind the numerous times I had to wake up to pee in the middle of the night. I am constantly grouchy, cranky, bitchy, whiny, annoyed, tired and uncomfortable at all times. Who in their right mind finds this experience lovable?
36 weeks. This is technically the week that baby can come and all would be fine. At this point I was begging for labor to start. I felt I could endure any kind of pain I was in for because I knew it would be the end of this pregnancy. 39 weeks exactly, I started feeling funny during Christmas dinner. By 11pm that night, the contractions had started. When I arrived at the hospital the next evening, I had many drugs and an epidural...life was good. My pregnancy was coming to an end any time now. Paige arrived after 30 hours of labor. My precious baby girl. Wow!
 |
| Paige - A few minutes old |
When Paige was 3 months old, I made a disturbing discovery. I was pregnant, again. I watched that little stick produce its purple plus sign in a matter of seconds. My heart sunk. I went into Paige's room, picked her up out of her crib, held her and sat on the floor and cried. When Doug arrived home, he thought someone had died because I was so distraught. I was barely over the fact that I hated being pregnant the first time. I was dealing with a newborn, no sleep, the failures of breastfeeding and adjusting to being a first time mom and now I have to go through this horrendous process again. This was seriously some kind of cruel joke.
My pregnancy with Jimmy was worse. I was taking care of a baby and I was pregnant. Therefore, grouchy, cranky, bitchy, whiny, annoyed, tired and uncomfortable at all times, returned times 10. And I carried differently with Jimmy, so by the 3rd trimester I had horrible back pain. Pretty much every muscle and joint from my ribcage down hurt. Yeah. Fortunately Jimmy arrived at 36-1/2 weeks and after only 6 hours of labor!! My precious baby boy. Wow!
 |
| Jimmy - A few minutes old. |
In August of 2008, when Jimmy was 7 months old, I began feeling as if my family was not yet complete. I kept having these insane thoughts of wanting another child. What? Really? No, no, I can't go through that again. No way. But the feeling would not go away. Doug wanted another child, but left the final decision solely up to me because I had to be pregnant. It took me 6 months to ponder, "do I really want to go through another pregnancy?" "Do I really want to put myself through this again?" The desire for another child ended up out-weighing the annoying discomforts of pregnancy. How bad can it be? I have done this twice now, I am well prepared to deal.
In June of 2009, I found out I was about 5 weeks along with Alyssa. This pregnancy was the worst of them all! I actually had nausea this time. Mild, yet annoying. Now don't forget, during this pregnancy, I am also taking care of a 1 year old and a 2 year old. Therefore, grouchy, cranky, bitchy, whiny, annoyed, tired and uncomfortable at all times, returned times 100. By the 8th month, I was getting so big I could hardly walk anymore and had excruciating back pain. I had no control over my emotions. Literally. It was unreal. I didn't even know myself anymore. Crazy hormonal bitch. I am surprised my other 2 children survived the 8th and 9th month. I am also surprised my husband didn't leave me. I kept saying it was a good thing we didn't have a baseball bat in the house, because every window would have been broken. I was so angry, I just wanted to break things. The depression was unreal. Guess it was a good thing I had two other kids to take care of because most days I didn't want to get out of bed. I was so mental, that my doctor sent me to talk to the women's counselor more than once. My doctor actually asked me if "I had feelings of harming myself." I knew there was an end to this torturous experience, so the answer to that was obviously no. Anyone who told me, "oh you are almost there, just a couple more weeks", I wanted to punch them in the face. To top it all off, Alyssa felt very comfortable floating around in there and decided to overstay her welcome. At 40 weeks, there was no sign of her arrival. At 40 weeks and 2 days, I was begging my doctor to let me be induced. Begging and crying to be exact. She agreed and the pitocen drip started at 9:30 pm on 3/24/10. I had never felt more relaxed and...my sanity was returning. 5 hours later, Alyssa graced us with her presence. My precious baby girl. Wow! At 8lbs. 2oz. she was fully cooked.
 |
| Alyssa - A few minutes old. |
But the bottom line still remains...PREGNANCY F@*%ING SUCKS!
Hi Dana! I love your blog :) This post is hilarious and sad at the same time! I know there are tons of women who feel the same way about being pregnant, but don't ever talk about it!
ReplyDeleteI love the newborn pics of all of the kids, too. So sweet! That makes me want to be pregnant again :)
Superwoman! 3 kinds and a blog? What?? And you're still an awesome writer too!
ReplyDelete:) luvs and hugs.
Y
Darling, you are not alone!! This was a very honest and thoughtful post. As you know, I felt the same way you did--I hated every second of it. I love my kids, and obviously Quinn was worth it, but the hormones triggered depression for me, and it was really one of the worst times in my life. I feel bad even typing that--but it happens. It's good to share your experiences so people know they are not alone--I know we bonded over this while we were both there! xoxo
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry for not responding sooner, but work has been hell and I wanted to give your post my full attention. I obviously can't speak from personal experience, but I think the way pregnancy is idealized in popular culture as some sort of beatific, marvelous state is a crock. Another good friend of mine who actually enjoyed most of her pregnancy ended up having intermittent, excruciating back pain in the last two months and basically not being able to walk when it kicked in. You have written really eloquently about your own experience.
ReplyDeleteAlison
Very well said, Dana. Thank you for your frankness.
ReplyDelete